Baggage.

It piles up. When you love, jumping in heart first (your head in too much of a daze to stop it), how do you recover? I've loved too easily and too much so far in my life. I feel like I have too many wounds for my age.

I'm not complaining. All mistakes, all pain, all challenges have something to teach us.

The biggest problem is the one universal truth of people: everybody lies. Some people, small lies. Others, big lies. But we do lie. To those we know and those we don't, to ones we love and ones we hate, and the person we lie to the most doesn't like to look in the mirror. It's hard to make eye contact anytime you lie, especially with yourself.

Closure.

Isn't that supposed to relieve baggage? I haven't found closure yet. I can still feel the weight of the losses of loves in my life, including those who didn't love me back. But, the ones who did leave much deeper gashes.

Moving on is hard. In one particular relationship, I was so unwilling to give up. Even after moving to another state to get away for fear of returning to her, I didn't give up on her until she told me she was pregnant by another man, the one she ran back to when I had put my foot down after the 702nd lie. The math didn't make sense. Either she had cheated on me, or the kid is mine. She stands by, to this day, that I'm not the father, yet the baby was at full term in 7 months.

But, putting all that aside, and even after going on three years away, I can't stop loving her. It's true that you can't choose who you love. At times, I miss her so much, it's all I can do to not pick up the phone. It's hard to, though, when I know even a text message could result in her being abused. Isn't it ridiculous to feel guilt for leaving someone in a situation they wouldn't leave, no matter how hard you fought? Eyes cannot lie. She loved me, I think more than she ever loved anyone romantically. Her eyes always told on her. I was ready for marriage, settling down, the whole enchilada.

She undoubtedly cheated on me. I returned the favor. For that, I don't feel guilt, except that the person I cheated with would've actually been good for me. And, according to Ross logic, we were on a break, so it wasn't really cheating. But, she stopped talking to me when she realized I couldn't get over the one who caused me nothing but pain.

Going farther back, when I was more blatantly and unexpectedly cheated on, she told me during a late night, drunken conversation that she had been with someone else. We were each others' firsts (except that she had been sexually abused as a child, which was without a doubt the root of most of our problems). I tried to forgive her. I couldn't then, but I have now. Now I just miss her.

All through high school, I was in love with my best friend. No matter how much I made my case, it always came down to a decision for me. Either I could keep her as a friend, or I could give her an ultimatum. It's better to be able to spend time with someone you love than not, even if you can't have them. She made me happy, even if I knew each hug could never lead to more. Years later, after I had graduated from college, the news she had gotten married and had a kid devastated me. Why wasn't I, or my love, good enough?

That's a stupid way to think, but I thought it. All I regret now are all the opportunities I missed out on while pining after her. My friends were constantly annoyed at me for how head-over-heels I was for her. One even tried to seduce me to take my mind off of her, but I felt I would be betraying the one who wasn't in love with me. Later, I found out, the friend who was trying to look after me was. She soon after got married, too.

Love is ridiculous. This is but an insight into past loves, but it's a good outline of a struggle I face every day. How do I move on from all I have loved before? How do I make enough room for someone else?